A Winter Statistic

98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH SHIT" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM NEWFOUNDLAND AND THEY SAY,

"HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here,' he says.'

'Why?', asks the blonde.


The boy says: 'because, I'm the fricking goalie!!'

Pocket Taser Stun Gun; A great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? (more)

Little Sally

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty!'

Mom fainted.

Fold your shirt!

Worth thinking about..

This was written by a Canadian housewife in New Brunswick and sent to her local newspaper, but it also applies to the U.S. , U.K. and Australia

'Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001 and have continually threatened to do so since?

Were people from all over the world, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from the nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania ?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured by a justice system of the nation they come from and are fighting against in a brutal insurgency.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of which is a crime punishable by beheading in Afghanistan .

I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Afghanistan come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blows themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.

I'll care when the Canadian media stops pretending that their freedom of speech on stories is more important than the lives of the soldiers on the ground or their families waiting at home to hear about them when something happens.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a CANADIAN soldier roughing up an Insurgent terrorist to obtain information, know this:

I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank:

I don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and 'fed special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts:

I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn you guessed it,

I don't care!!

If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail friends Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behaviour!

If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country!

And may I add:

'Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Soldiers don't have that problem.'

I have another quote that I would like to add, AND.......I hope you forward all this.

One last thought for the day:

Only five defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ

2. The Canadian Soldier.

3. The British Soldier.

4. The US Soldier, and

5. The Australian Soldier

One died for your soul, the other 4 for your freedom.

MANY SEEM TO FORGET ALL OF THEM.

Steve is retired.. with a job!

Steve has often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis into urine.

And, we're pretty damn good at it too!!

Julian Austin - The Red and White

Two Newfies...

Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first Newfie says to the second, 'If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?'

The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says,'Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even.'

Poor Skunk..

A married couple was driving home one cold night when the wife asked her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road. She got out to see if it was still alive and it was She said to her husband, 'it's nearly frozen to death. Can we
take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says: 'okay, get in the car with it.'

The wife asks: 'where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says: 'put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'
'But what about the smell?' she asked.

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat the shit out of him died at the scene.

Cruising.. to the Max!

The time was upon me to replace the tires on my motorcycle. I fought with the indecision of whether I should replace the cool looking Dunlop CruiseMax tires in their white wall glory.. or go with the more conservative all back tire that I had been thinking about. The thing that started me thinking about a standard black tire was a visit I had to a motorcycle shop in Halifax a couple of months ago. They had prices for various tires posted on their wall and the CruiseMax tires were priced at more than $500 for the pair. *ouch*

Luckily, while surfing one of my favorite online bike accessory stores, Cruiser Customizing, I saw that the tires were on sale and the prices were amazing! For less than $300, taxes and shipping included, I now own a fancy new set of tires!

Diablo III Announced!

Twenty years have passed since the cataclysmic events of Diablo®II. Mephisto, Diablo, and Baal have been defeated, but the Worldstone, which once shielded the world of Sanctuary from the forces of both the High Heavens and the Burning Hells, has been destroyed, and evil once again stirs in Tristram.... [more..]

Mine Awareness

UNICEF recently used a different approach to demonstrate the danger of landmines in various parts of the world. The picture below demonstrates their unique approach.

Would you eat this?

Rubix Solution!

Ole and Lena

Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it doc? .. . . I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a wirgin - in every vay'.

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . Quite an impressive work of art. Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She said, 'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.'

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, . . .. 'Look at dis, .....still in da CRATE!'

Steak and BJ Day!

You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him. Visit the official site!

Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem p*ssed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh sh!#$." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Bullfrogs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband A pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that All the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she Wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a Fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a Very large bullfrog. They say it's been Trained to give Blowjobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It Hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he Said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, And what if it's true...no More blow jobs for Her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained Froggy's' ability to her husband, he was extremely Skeptical and Laughed it off! .

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she May never need to perform this Less than riveting act Again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened By the noise of pots and pans Flying everywhere, making Hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran Downstairs to the Kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog Reading Cookbooks.

'What are you two doing At this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I Can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.

Terry Fator.. Wow!

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